Irony and Isadore

When I got back from my trip to France, I found that instead of grass growing unevenly over my less uneven than before front yard and awkward crookedly planted plants flourishing, I had a newly evened out dirt front yard and fewer plants.

Monsieur Dato, the landscaper in Dimako, had been hired by my landlord to “arrange” the yard. There are very few places in town that are landscaped – the weird median and roundabout by the market, the hotel (which has A/C, when there’s electricity) and the ostrich house. Now we can apparently add my house to the list. My landlord has a vision – grass surrounded by stonework and two great big iron lights in the middle of all that grass. He also wants the side of the house totally herbicided, so should I decide to go totally against Peace Corps policy and paycheck and buy a car, I’ll have a very nice mud driveway to park it in.

Anyway, Isadore is the guy who does all the work. He’s probably 60, but might be older or younger. He is short and wiry and has the beginnings of a Fu Manchu mustache. He also, for some unknown reason, constantly wears a lambswool-lined hat, even when you sweat in the shade. (I say this as I am cowering under my down comforter, when it might be 80 degrees out.)

I generally wake up at about 6 in my new house, because I am now lucky enough not to live next to the main road with all its motos, logging trucks, buses and goats. Actually, now that I think about it, I have yet to be woken up by anything besides my desperate need to brush my teeth. How lucky am I!

Anyway, I wake up at about 6, brush, floss and make my dentist proud. Then I either get dressed and exercise or get dressed to exercise and lay on my floor, listen to music and get bit by ants. By the time Isadore arrives, I’ve finished and bathed and I’m making breakfast.

Every morning we greet each other  - “Good morning. How are you? Did you sleep well? Well, I’m standing up, so I must have!” This is generally followed by efforts to renegociate our bargain on my raised bed garden. After all that is said and done, Isadore generally shares a bit of wisdom with me:

“Madame, some one has shit in your kitchen.”
“What?! What the poop?! I am nice to people and I greet everyone! Why would someone shit in my kitchen? The latrine is right there!”
“Well, madame, they did it on purpose.”
“But why would some one do that?!”
“Well, madame, you see, African men they don’t think like you and me. They are different.” (Forgetting of course that he is a man and he is African. Therefore, he is an African man.)

“Yesterday I was doing my project (the quilt) and I poked a hole in my finger and I was bleeding and I felt sick. I was soooo white! I was as white as chalk. I felt sick and I had to put my head on my knees. It was bad.”
“Well, madame, you know you have different skin from me. African men – they have the skin of wild forest animals! It is strong and it doesn't bleed like yours.”

“You know Isadore, in the United States, it’s really taboo to talk about money, so it makes me very uncomfortable, when you don’t even greet me and you are asking me for money. We agreed on an amount and I’ve already paid you.”
“Well, madame, you know we Africans are different about money. We argue the price all the time.”

The wisdom I get from Cameroonian women tends to actually be helpful and wise.

A Year in Review

A year in review

Books read: 64

Maladies had: at least 24

Positive malaria tests: 2

Positive I had malaria: 583,712 (I may be a hypochondriac, but the symptoms of malaria are EVERYTHING.)

Movies watched: too many to count

English students taught: 221

Papers graded: 885

Cats owned: 2

Cats loved: 1

Squares quilted: 19 square feet

Moments when I said to myself, “You just made a difference.”: 3

It’s hard to believe that I’ve been here for a year now. What people told us when we first arrived was that the days are long, but the months are short. It’s true. It’s harder to fill the hours of the day, when you don’t have Netflix.

Time just doesn’t work the same way here. The other day my good friend, Solange, had her confirmation at church. In my head, I planned for that to take up the whole morning. Because of my recent vacation, I forgot that it should take up most of the afternoon as well. And apparently after I take a nap, I should come back over to continue partying.

I’ve had good days and bad days here and both of them come down to one thing: Here in Cameroon, everyone treats everyone like family and the trouble is that this family is much closer to My Big Fat Greek Wedding than my family. Yep, loud eating Cameroonian breeders. Everyone is always telling you that you need to eat more, you need to be married, you need to not put your helmet on the ground, etc. Like family, everyone has an opinion and because they care (and they’re always right), they want you to know that you’re doing it wrong.

That day was a lovely day, even if I was doing it wrong. I didn’t eat the fish. I used a fork. I refused alcohol and accepted almost half of the greens on the table. All of Solange’s children came to Dimako for her confirmation and we had a lovely meal and spent time talking about love, marriage, emigration, school, and family stories. I feel so lucky to finally have a family in Dimako, because it makes all the difference in the world. I’m happy to report that right now when I’m alone, I'm not lonely.

If I had any advice to the incoming PC Cameroon noobs, I’d say:

 - If you hate doing it, hire someone to do it. Your peace of mind is worth more than CFA.

 - If you feel like you can’t make it without a trip away from post, go, but know that the more time you spend away from post, the harder it is to stay.

 - If your gut tells you something’s not right, listen.

 - For long distance moto trips, look for the guy with mirrors and helmet. If he cares about his safety, he’s more likely to care about yours.

 - If you have mice, CLEAN YOUR HOUSE. Then get a cat.

 - Take your prophylaxis. Sleep under a net. Screen your windows. Avoid malaria.

 - Make a list of reasons to be happy. (1. I’m not malarial. 2. I’m digesting normally. 3. Plantains…)

 - When you feel like you have no control, clean and cook.

 - When you pack, don’t waste space on clothes. Bring snacks that won’t spoil, spices, and toiletries.

 - Everything is more manageable, when you can have a little taste of home – whether that’s food, a movie or a favorite book.

 - Take pictures.

 - Get a cat.

 - Get a hobby.

 - Do what you love. Fuck the rest.

Home Improvement and Witchcraft

I FINALLY MOVED!!!

After three months of waiting and quilting and bothering my postmate, I finally moved into my very own home. I put down my plastic rugs and slapped down my mattress and swept and mopped and mopped and swept!

Then, my friend, Solange, came over with her children and extended family to see if I needed any help. That's when the trouble really began. She told me the power was on, so I got really excited, because guess who has a fridge?! Posh Corps! ....but....the lights were on, but no current was passing (as we volunteers say in our weird translated from French English). None of the outlets worked. NONE OF THEM!!! I did the grown-up thing and laid on my floor and pouted and then did some more mopping and sweeping.

Jon came over later that day to help me connect my stove to my gas bottle via the too-small tube. We royally failed after more than an hour of clamping and wiggling and rolling of eyes and gnashing of teeth. My friend, Pamela,  tried to comfort me by telling me that I had the worst luck of anyone she knew, but that it would get better.

I put my sorrow and despair into a constructive project - I regrouted my whole house, because while I was cleaning paint off my floor (and getting high off the fumes), I managed to get eaten alive by microscopic tiny ants called Canadians.

I later found out the reason that I have an ant problem is because of a woman, who used to live in the neighborhood. She went into the underworld and brought back a bag of ants. Yep, the reason that I have a pest problem is sorcelry. There are a few ways to combat sorcelery in the East - be really religious, keep one particular breed of chicken or eat a cat or a dog. Apparently, you eat cat or dog as a remedy; if you are having nightmares, it's possible that someone is trying to make you their zombie, but if you had dog or cat for dinner, they can only call the cat's or dog's soul and you'll be fine.

After a night spent wishing I had the neck-feather-less chickens, I spent a day unpacking and attempting to get a hold of Major, the guy who doesn't direct the construction of my house. Then, Solange came through again and after her neighbors put my guest bed together, they came to look at my electricity. After 4 days in my house, many trips to Jon's  house to charge things and much weeping and wailing, my electricity works!

And a few days later, the only thing left to finish my bed room is to make curtains and I am a boss at making curtains. I sleep in a bed. When I remember that a fridge is for keeping food good for longer, I have food in my fridge, which is cold. I can change locks, I can put in screens (kinda), I can put together beds and screw in light bulbs. I can attach gas bottles to stoves, I can make the best banana bread ever and really delicious black-eyed peas and I can even sometimes flush my toilet.

Side note: Guess who has amoebas? One more thing to cross off my Cameroon bucket list!